Hens lay plans too

Hens Lay Plans Too.

           Corrine, a plump little hedge Witch, who lived alone in her small yellow bungalow nestled within a grove of conifers, was a highly sociable lady who  loved nothing more than gossiping over a cup of tea with neighbours and friends.

           A good gardener, Corrine had a little business selling jams at the local Country Market, which supplemented her pension and gave her an enjoyable social outlet, but Covid restrictions put an end to all that. She did consider selling her jams to local shops and Supermarkets but with profit margins so tight and no opportunity for socializing, she really didnt see the point.

        So, in September 2020, with the nights closing in earlier and the nip in the air heralding the coming  winter, Corrine  knew she had to find an enterprise that would allow her to socialize safely through the winter. While she sat and considered her options, an advertisment for a Bank Loan come on the telly, you know the one

Let today be a good day,

Let me give it my all

Let me learn to let go, to trust

Let me know when to pull back, when to push on

Let the staff know they are valued, and I couldnt do without them,

Let the kids know Ill be home for bedtime,

Right, lets take that risk, lets really go for it now,

Lets be proud of what weve done,

O.k.  Lets get to work

It takes a certain kind of brave to run a business.

We see it. We back it.

 

             Well, Corrine stopped in her tracks. Imagine, Banks wanting to help people, how extraordinary!  Tears came to her eyes at the thought of such altruistic banking practices. She wanted to be part of this Great National Effort and then it suddenly it came to her. She should set up a Hen Petting Farm! There was nothing like petting a hen to cheer one up and calm the nerves. She would set up little booths where lonely folk could sit and pet hens to their hearts content, outdoors, socially distant, nerve calming and in no way adding to the dreaded Covid stone! She would see people every day, without having them under her roof, thus keeping to the Covid rules. The orchardat the back of her cottage was the ideal location for this enterprise.

       Corrine realized she needed a bank loan to get her started, but what of it, they backed brave, as it said in the ad.  

      On her next visit to town, she called to the bank and made an appointment to see the manager, Miss Delphine.

           Miss Delphine was an old fashioned Bank manager. She didnt have a Business degree, but got a job in the bank on leaving school and learnt her business on the job. Despite her obvious ability, her advancement was slow, and she frequently found herself being overlooked for promotion in favour of younger men of lesser ability. This soured her outlook. She thought that the ad they were running on the telly at this time was silly and  it just encouraged people to come up with daft ideas. Still, as the manager, she dutifully interviewed every loan applicant and gave Miss Corrine an appointment. When she heard Corrines proposal Miss Delphine raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips and asked if she had a business plan. No, Miss Corrine had no business plan, so Delphine turned her down. She told Corrine to come back with a proper business plan if she was serious. Down but not out,Corrine next move was to visit the library and get the Local Enterprise Office sample business plans.

                  That evening after supper , Corrine cleared the kitchen table and started work on her Business Plan. The first paragraph of the sample plan advised her to keep it simple, but this was then followed by about fifty pages of pure gobbledygook, she thought. It looked like she would have to do courses in Marketing, Accounting and Crystal Balling Gazing to enable her to complete a Plan.

                           So Corrine made herself a cup of tea and did what any sensible Witch would do in such circumstances, she decided to cast a spell. She needed a spell to make Miss Delphine approve the loan, without a business plan. Within an hour she had a Witchy alternative to a Business Plan. Shewrote a short note to Miss Delphine, outlining her idea and requesting a loan. She then cast her circle near the windowsill, lit a green candle, and while she looked out at the orchard, she chanted:

May my spell be cast on air,

Nothing may my wish impair,

May the receiver of this letter,

Think hard and think better,

And reverse her refusal,

To entertain my proposal,

Make her want it as much as me,

So mote it shall be.

 

 

                Corrine repeated this ritual daily for a week and on the seventh day a letter arrived from the bank approving the loan. She was ecstatic. Did she read the fine print at the bottom of the page? Unfortunately not.

            Corrine  had such good fun setting up the business. With help from her neighbours, the hen house was built, the coup was erected, the petting booths were put in place and the hens were bought.  The little hens were friendly and quaint and trotted around her garden together. They were ideal for petting. She knew them by name- Anne, Emily and Charlotte. They were great company and well-loved. Customers came and business was brisk.

                 Alas, there was a downside- the hens had a tendency escape the coop and to wander. This proved their downfall. Anne and Emily wandered into the haggard of the neighbouring farm and ate the rat poison laid down there. Corrines sorrow was sincere, she mourned those little hens especially as they had started to lay eggs for her breakfast.

                Charlotte, the sole survivor became quite neurotic without her mates, so Miss Corrine got  a  replacement whom she named Amelia.  Alas, Charlotte she took a dead set against Amelia, and bullied her incessantly and forced her to sleep in a tree just outside the coup. This lack of harmony among the hens affected business and the customers started to complain about the sessions as there was nothing remotely satisfying about trying to pet a cross hen.

        But then a strange thing happened, Miss Corrine found Charlotte dead in the nesting boxone morning. There was no sign of violence, but she did wonder at the smug look on Amelias face as she now settled quite comfortably into the coup.

 

As Amelia acted a bit broody over the following weeks Miss Corrine had the bright idea of getting fertilized  eggs to put under her.  She mentioned her idea to a neighbour and next thing she knew six eggs were left on her doorstep with a note saying they were fertilized, the note was unsigned. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Miss Corrine went ahead and put them under Amelia. The little hen became so protective of those eggs and she sat placidly on them until they hatched.

      The chicks survived, and grew  to be the  most obnoxious creatures imaginable. Petting them was impossible. They flew at, pecked and squalled at anybody silly enough to go near them. Miss Corrines clients dropped away like flies needless to say, and when one of the hens flew at her last remaining client, causing her to trip, fall and break her hip, Miss Corrine knew she was in serious trouble. The poor womans cries of pain, the screeching of the ambulance siren, the solicitors letter completely unnerved Miss Corrine. The rise in insurance cost was just about the last straw.

 Poor Corrine came to believe that these birds were cursed. She didnt know what to do as she had couldnt contemplate killing them.

                               One morning while she was out feeding the brutes, and wondering how on earth she could get rid of them, the postman arrived with a letter from Miss Delphine, the bank manager, inviting her to a meeting the following morning, to discuss the repayments on her loan, or more precisely, why she wasnt making any.

          It was only then that Miss Corrine got out the loan agreement and read the fine print, which said that the Bank would appoint a receiver to sell the assets of her business in the event of her not making repayments on her loan. What a relief! She was a bit concerned about the unfortunate receiver though. Still, she rang the bank and left a message for Miss Delphine telling her that she was unable to make any loan repayments, and to go right ahead and appoint a receiver for the business.

                            The following Monday as she was out feeding the little monsters, while they pecked at her, who should pull up outside the orchard but Miss Delphine herself. The birds raced across the grass to meet and greet her and when they got there they lay down at her feet and cooed, rubbing their necks against her Hunter wellies. Corrine could hardly believe her eyes.

         It turned out that Miss Delphine had resigned her job at the Bank, bought the Hen Petting Business at a knock down price from the receiver and intended to set up her own Hen Petting enterprise, with team building and stress reduction exercises for Bank officials as the core part of the business.

                       Corrine was gobsmacked at this turn of events. Here she was with no business and still owing the Bank money. She reviewed the spell she had cast all those months ago and saw that making Miss Delphine want the enterprise as much as herself was a serious error of judgement, and as for her naivety in accepting those fertilized eggs without checking their provenance, the less said the better. She realized that she was in need of someserious upskilling, and therefore she sat down and drafted a letter to the Ratheniska Coven, requesting membership.

        She is currently awaiting the outcome of this application.

Stamp it Out

 

 Clementine could hardly hear what Mike was saying with the tension in her head.

“But we can still work together”, she heard. As she breathed in she caught the smell of the delicious Boeuf Bourguignonne she had taken such trouble to  prepare for their anniversary dinner. She felt her knees weaken and sat down at the beautifully set dining table, and heard “… the information you  provide is so useful in preventing crime in the Midlands”.

She wasn’t able to look him in the face, she put up her right hand to support her head and try and control her trembling. She heard the clink of ice cubes in the glass as he drank his whiskey, which she always had ready for him when he got in from work. “So that’s it, no point prolonging it, I’ll be off”. Despite the pounding in her ears, she heard her own voice say “Yes, Mike”, in her usual meek tone, as he turned for the door.

As the door clicked shut and his footsteps receded, Clementine sat still in the fading light with her tattered dreams and remembered how happy she had felt when this man first came into her life. These memories now mocked her as the sense of desolation in her body grew. How could she have been so mistaken, she wondered. She remembered how her heart swelled with joy when he came into the office and singled her out, asking her to get him the information he needed, she, Clementine, the office mouse, and he the handsome Detective Mike Smith. How she rushed to get him the information he requested, helping him be the heroic crime fighter he was, gave her such a thrill. She didn’t even hesitate to give him the barracks stamp when he asked for it to “help an old neighbour who needed some papers stamped”, he said. She admired such loyal community spirit. When they started seeing each other outside the office and their relationship deepened, to Clementine, this felt inevitable and right and forever.

These memories tormented Clementine now and she knew she had to get away. Her first thought was to go to her Great Aunt Clem who was always a safe haven in times of strife. Leaving the apartment exactly as it was, she grabbed her coat and keys, and ran out the door, down the stairs, got into her Mini Cooper and was hurtling down the M7 in no time. Her only thought was to get to her place of safe refuge, her Great Aunt Clementine’s cottage in Togher, the place of so many happy childhood memories.

She was surprised when the sound of the tyres on the gravel of the driveway didn’t bring Auntie to the door with a welcoming smile as usual. So she turned the key in the back door and entered the kitchen. It was cold and dark, the stove had gone out, the paraffin lamp was burning low and there was no sign of Auntie Clem. Then she remembered, Thursday nights were Coven nights and those meetings could go on a bit. She decided not to wait up, but instead, she got out some blankets, went up to the loft and lay down in the spare bedroom. No sooner had her head touched the pillow than exhaustion caught up with her, her eyelids closed and she slept to the lullaby of the pattering rain on the roof.

It was late when Clementine woke the next morning, the house was warm, and Aunt Clem was humming as she pottered about the kitchen. The smell of coffee coaxed her out of bed and down the loft stairs.

“Welcome, dear, it’s so good to see you. So unexpected, I’d have been here if I’d known you were coming, sit down here, have something to eat and tell me all your news”, said Aunt Clem as she encircled her in a warm embrace. As Clementine relaxed in her Aunt’s arms, the tears came and she poured the tale of misery into her Aunt’s ear.

“Well, I never…he seemed so…do have something to eat, dear…who would have thought…”., her Aunt murmured as Clementine told her story.

“ I thought you would know what I should do Auntie”, she sobbed.

“What can I do to help? Let me think, a love potion perhaps?”

“No way, I want as powerful a curse as you can conjure, that snake deserves nothing but toil and trouble”, said Clementine with a snarl.

The change in her niece shocked Aunt Clem, she was amazed by the venom in her niece’s voice and face. “Let’s not be hasty, dear, these things have a habit of rebounding, maybe we could …”, and with that Clementine’s phone rang. It was her boss, Inspector Herriot, “Good morning, Miss Clementine, I’m looking for the barracks stamp, it’s not in its usual place. Do you know where it is by any chance?” It was on the tip of Clementine’s tongue to admit giving it to Detective Smith, but something gave her pause.

“Well I don’t remember seeing it actually, but I’ll get back with you if I remember, Inspector, is there anything else I can help you with?”

“You know, having people like yourself working from home because of COVID is a nightmare, no one to get us reports as quickly as needed, I’m putting in a recommendation to have that changed as soon as possible” she replied.

“Yes Inspector, goodbye Inspector”, Clementine said in her usual meek tone as she pressed the off button and looked at her phone thoughtfully.

So Mike hadn’t returned that stamp! She wondered why he would keep it.

“Aunt Clem, I need the coven’s help”. “Now dear, the coven will have nothing to do with a curse”, her aunt replied. “I know Auntie, but I need help with something more important. I lent the barracks stamp to Mike some time ago, he said he needed it to stamp the passport of some poor old neighbour, and he hasn’t returned it. My job is on the line if the boss finds out I gave it to him.”

“Ahh, well that’s different, I’ll send a message around to Imogen and ask her to call”.

Aunt Clem decided against involving the whole Coven as Clementine was not a member, and if they suspected she had grudge against this man, they couldn’t help anyway. It had been her dearest wish that her grandniece would follow in her footsteps and join the Sisterhood but young Clementine had other ideas and opted for a civilian job and lifestyle, also she was terrified of broom flying, which was a serious disadvantage in the Craft.

Jasper the Owl went round to Imogen’s with the message “stamp missing, Clementine needs help”. Now as it happened, Amelia and Justine, two Portlaoise Witches, were there when the message arrived. They had been out picking hazelnuts in Dysart Woods and had called in for tea.

“That’s a strange one, why wouldn’t she use email like us all”, said Amelia when she heard the message.

“And ‘Clementine needs help’, that’s a really strange one, she works for the Guards, doesn’t she?” said Justine. “ Well there is only one way to find out about it, let’s go”, said Imogen and the three ladies were on their brooms and down to Togher in a flash.

Aunt Clem arranged the chairs in the orchard to ensure social distancing and while she served tea, Clementine told of her fears of losing her job if the barrack’s stamp wasn’t recovered. She never mentioned her bust-up with Detective Mike Smith. The ladies did wonder why she couldn’t just ask him for the stamp back but they refrained from prying. They realized that Clementine losing her job would be a loss for them all, as her ability to provide them with information regarding Garda checkpoints allowed them to evade detection while flying. Some of them still had provisional flying licences.

After a bit of discussion, the following was decided on: They would set up a surveillance operation using Imogen’s magpies, as they were terrific tails. Imogen would call to his house and ask him to stamp the “off the road “ form for that tractor she hadn’t taxed for years, and see if she could find out where he kept the stamp.

“Let’s go and stay safe ladies. You’d better bring that mobile tracer detector with you, Clementine”, said her Aunt. Clementine’s mouth went dry, she was terrified of broom flying, but she realized there was no alternative, so with her heart pounding in her chest, she gave a little run and jumped on her aunt’s old broom. She found it difficult to keep her balance, but she hung on gamely and followed her aunt’s lead.

Hovering over the Detective’s house, Clementine watched as Justine swooped and slipped a tracer on the Jeep parked outside. A few moments later, as Detective Mike was about to get into the car, he was startled by Imogen’s sudden appearance seemingly out of nowhere, waving a form. “Hello there, Detective, can you help me and stamp this “Off the road” form for my tractor.”

“Afraid not Miss, you’ll have to go to the station”. As he spoke, Imogen could clearly see the stamp on the dashboard. He got in his car and sped away.

Imogen gave the signal to Clementine to follow the car, and Great Aunt Clem got off the broom, saying, “you follow, dear, I can’t keep up with that speed, but you can do it, hurry!”

Clementine was petrified, but hanging onto the broom for dear life, she followed that jeep as it sped up the M7, keeping it in sight. The vehicle turned north and sped along the M50, passed all the exits she knew and on towards Dublin port. Suddenly it pulled off the motorway, at exit 13 ½, passed houses and farms and came to a field with an open gate, it turned into it, where there was a red sports car already parked. There was a dark-haired man, in his thirties, she guessed, wearing a white t-shirt and a black leather jacket. He was smoking a cigarette while leaning against the bonnet. Terrified she would be spotted, Clementine managed to park in the ditch. She called one of the nearby magpies, fitted a camera to its leg and told it to film the goings-on in the field. A few minutes later the red car drove slowly out of the field and turned north. She got the registration number. She stayed crouched in position until Mike Smith’s jeep left the field. When the magpie returned, she retrieved the camera, thanked him and screwing up her courage, she got on the broom and headed back to Togher.

She managed to evade detection on the way home and found Aunt Clem in the garden serving tea. “Just in time, dear, have some tea and tell us all,” she said, pouring her a cup. “Just give me a minute, to catch my breath,” said Clementine. The ladies were agog to hear her news. She sipped her tea, got out her laptop, inserted the chip from the camera and looked at the footage. She said nothing as she watched Mike Smith take the stamp out of his pocket, and stamp a passport for the other man, who then handed him a large wad of banknotes, which Mike put in his pocket together with the stamp. She watched the vehicles leave the field. The video clip ended.

Aunt Clem and the others had been watching the clip over her shoulder. “So, at least we know where he keeps the stamp, but do you think that young man looks like a poor neighbour?” said Imogen. Clementine’s mind was in turmoil, yes, she was angry with this man who had used her and dumped her but still, the culture of silence and looking the other way regarding the behaviour of colleagues ran deep in her. Nobody in the force ever shopped a colleague as far as she knew. But she also knew that there was no innocent explanation for what she had just seen. On top of that Clementine dreaded owning up to her own foolishness and yes, she was worried about losing her job, but she knew she couldn’t leave things as they were. She had to sort it out.

Clementine knew that the old saying: “Follow the money” was probably the best approach in this case and the money came from the slim, dark-haired man in the leather jacket. She could identify him and she knew his car registration. With a sigh, Clementine got out her phone and rang the office and asked for Inspector Herriot.

“Inspector, I have some information concerning that missing barracks stamp” and she told the Inspector the whole story. Inspector Herriot was silent for a minute, “Forward me that video clip and I’ll have that young man checked and we’ll see where that leads, in the meantime please continue your surveillance of Detective Smith. Get back to me if you notice anything suspicious.”

Click. Nothing about Clementine giving him the stamp! A reprieve! But she wasn’t out of the woods yet. She put the phone down and went back into the garden to update the others. “So, keep watch is the watchword,” said Imogen with a smirk. “Well, this is exciting, guarding the guards, such an adventure!”

Clementine knew that there had to be more to this than just stamping passports, otherwise why would Mike ring her so often looking for information regarding Garda checkpoints. Why did he need that information and who was he passing it on to, and how could she find out? She pulled out her phone and noted the dates he had rung her at work looking for such information, she then checked his social media profiles to see if she could find a clue, and there it was hidden in plain sight. On each of those dates, he had a message on his profile: “bad weather expected tonight, practice cancelled” and there were the same six names tagged to the message each time. Well! Clementine knew that the surveillance operation needed to be extended to the six people in question. She had no difficulty persuading the others to help, together with the magpies of course.

It wasn’t long before they had enough information on the activities of the six to give Inspector Herriot a good reason to come calling on all of them one Monday morning with the officers of CAB. They seized papers, bank books, phones, cars, vans and assorted other assets including the barracks stamp! 

Fortunately for Clementine, Detective Mike had told so many lies in his statement that no one believed his story about Clementine giving him the stamp. Only Inspector Herriot and the ladies knew this, and Imogen worked a forgetfulness spell on Inspector Herriot (See Harry Potter—the Obliviate spell!). The Inspector was so impressed by Clementine’s help in rounding up this gang that she decided to recruit her for undercover operations in the Midlands.

Little did she know that she was getting five agents for the price of one, as well as a charm of magpies!

That evening, when Aunt Clem went out to the orchard to pick some apples her attention was caught by some colour just inside the gate. Crocuses! Her niece Clementine had done it, Blanche of Loughteague’s curse on her family was broken!* Forgetting the apples she sat and cried tears of joy, and sent a message around to Beatrice, the Coven Chair, to tell her the good news. Needless to say, Clementine was inducted into the Coven and proved to be a tremendous asset in the group’s many covert operations!